elevenelevenxo


space stations and rocketships

....planes made her feel like she could get away....


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elevenelevenxo
I never used to be a (420) smoker, though I've never had a problem with it. I'd get stoned whenever with friends who happened to offer, but that was never more than once a month really.

Over the course of the last couple years, however, I've definitely been indulging on a near regular basis. Most of the time I just feel incredibly paranoid and rather uncomfortable, I guess. Unless I take an Ativan beforehand, which then makes me feel ridiculously chillax. Every once in a while though, I'm just in the right mood to feel calm and relaxed on my own. Right now overall that's about how I feel and I haven't had any Ativan. The other day in the car I felt bouncy. Fucking bouncy!?! Yeah, it was weird. Today I feel kind of heavy, but probably like what a piece of seaweed feels like. Anchored to the ground and swaying peacefully with the currant. Maybe that's because the other day I was super stressing over shit and today I'm just sitting here all, yep....feeling like some seaweed. :P

I'm just sitting here with my three dogs and a client dog (a chocolate lab) wondering about whether I'm meant for another relationship like the one I had with Zach. Maybe I'm just meant to be that lady who lives with her dogs and never really meets anyone else. That isnt' necessarily a bad thing. I know some pretty cool single dog ladies who aren't batshit crazy. Haha. But seriously.....these dogs provide so much love and laughter. I have a great group of friends....is the bullshit of a relationship really worth it at the end of the day?

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elevenelevenxo
It's been quite some time since I've written in this bad boy. My, how time flies....

Let's see. What's changed? Well, let me think of where to start.

I moved back to my hometown after the split with my ex-boyfriend. I just couldn't handle being down here and needed to be closer to my family for a while. I commuted a total of 3-4hrs 5-7 days a week with traffic. I worked 13 hour days regularly between two jobs and basically lived out of my car since my bed was an hour away from work and all of my friends. It was rough for about four months. But it paid off....big time. I eventually moved back out and into a cute little Short North/Victorian Village apartment, and was promoted to the facility director of my dog kennel. I've met so many new people and have made some wonderful, super solid friendships. I've continued to date around and while I haven't technically been in another relationship since 2011, I did see someone for about 6 months before deciding he was yet another toxic person and rid him from my life. I've met some genuinely nice guys, but I just haven't been in the right frame of mind for it to go anywhere. I might start out being very interested in a person, but after they make it clear they want to be with me, I kind of freak out, get claustrophobic, and decide I'm perfectly content with my own little life. I know I've broken a few hearts by doing this and while I feel bad, I don't really know how to change the way I feel.

Sometimes I just feel like I will never have a deep, emotional connection with another person again. With every person I meet who I DO feel chemistry worth exploring, either they're unavailable in some way....whether it be, they're preparing for a move, they're healing from something like I am, or they're just a flat out mess....or they're just toxic for me. It is what it is, I suppose. When and if the time is right, it'll happen. Until then, I'm proud to say I've become quite the independent adult. I've been rereading old entries in this journal and I'm amazed at how far I've come since 2007. I'm embarrassed by some of the things I've done in the past and I have clarity now regarding events that happened years ago. I was a shitty person at times. Immature, selfish, insecure as FUCK. It's no wonder things went the way they did with Zach. That said, I also recognize there were many red flags from the get-go that I was too stubborn and naive to see then, as was he. I was not the sole cause of our downfall, nor was he. Simply put, after so long we just grew into different people and we were puzzle pieces who no longer fit together. Sad, yes. Heartbreaking, yes. End of the world? Absolutely not. Without that experience, I'd be a completely different person. I can't say whether I might like that person better, but I certainly like who I am now, so I suppose that says something.

I met someone recently and our story is kind of funny. For two years we've been "Facebook friends"....but we've never met. We honestly didn't even really talk via Facebook or Instagram, but for some reason we were friends. For two years! Randomly we bumped into one another at a ska show at Skully's a few weeks ago, where I was higher than a motherfucking kite, so I was SUUUUPER classy, hahaha....but despite being an intoxicated asshole, he wanted to get together after that. We've talked daily since, he's taken me out several times, and we're starting to spend quite a bit of time together. And I feel good about it. The last person I was seeing was a walking disaster who sucked those around him in like a tornado, just to spit them out all torn up at some point. Naturally, that happened with me as well, so I feel as if I've taken a few steps backwards as far as learning how to trust and believe there ARE genuinely nice guys out there who give a shit, however....this new guy has been pretty amazing so far. He came over the other day and brought a bottle of wine with him just because. Not because he wanted to get me drunk so I'd fool around with him. He brought it over just because he "felt like he shouldn't come over empty handed." Before that, he kissed me and said in the sweetest tone of voice I've ever heard, "This has been the best part of my day."

And so far.... I'm not feeling claustrophobic. In fact, right now, I kind of want nothing more than to see him and just watch a move together.

Dating as an adult is weird. The sequence of events is something I still haven't quite figured out. People either want to move too slow or they want to move too fast. It's a tricky thing to figure out....but that's what I'm doing. And it's really not that bad.

(no subject)
elevenelevenxo
"Sarah Kaye":

I don't know who you are. I don't know if that's actually your name or if you're someone who is a coward and likes to create unnecessary drama. In either case, fuck you. You know what this is about - I don't have to go into any detail.

For the rest of my friends - please do not take my deleting you to heart. There was a, we'll call it, security breach and some very personal information of mine was leaked. I've deleted my friend's list in its entirety, including communities. I may start another journal because I've kept an LJ account since I was a freshman in high school, but because I don't know who revealed my private, locked entry (or more importantly - WHY), I will no longer be continuing to update this account.

- Jess

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elevenelevenxo
I did not succeed in being normal last night and having a good time out. I, instead, had a major panic attack after calling Zach and getting his voicemail twice. Chelsea and I ended up coming back to my apartment (I'm so glad she wasn't upset with me) and he was here....taking a nap. God, I'm so fucking ridiculous! :(

Chels and I drank a whole lot of wine and a couple of beers, and pretty much smoked cigarettes outside all night. I don't really remember coming inside to go to bed and I definitely don't remember Zach coming home last night, but I woke up this morning in the same clothes I wore last night and he was asleep beside me.

Today he's working and it's my first day cleaning stalls at the barn. I was considering going to Equine Affair after, but I don't think I'm going to. There is only one seminar today that is of interest to me - Jane Savoie on suppling exercises for the dressage horse. Rebel's not a dressage horse, but suppling exercises are very beneficial to him, so that would be interesting. However, I don't think I want to spend the money on parking and admission, because really all I'm going to do is spend more money at the trade show....and I really shouldn't do that, especially since I spent $50 on feed, a couple new brushes, and some Show Sheen at Tractor Supply the other day. I want a new saddle pad, but I don't NEED a new saddle pad. I do need new half chaps though since one of mine seems to have vanished from the face of the earth.... o_O .... But I have big calves and have to order a larger size, which I've had difficulty finding in stores and at Equine Affair in the past. I'll probably just order another pair of Ovations somewhere online. And I wanted to get SMBs for Rebel, but again....I'll just order those online. Probably will be able to find a better deal than at EA - sometimes you find good deals on stuff, but not always. If you're getting a bunch of supplements and wormer, then yeah....you can get some real steals. But as for everything else, I haven't seen too much of a difference in price at EA and other places the rest of the year. I think people get excited over the convenience of it more than anything.

Well, shit. I kind of want to go, but if I'm going to make the most of it, I need to leave to clean stalls like NOW so that I can be done by 10ish. Chelsea's still here asleep on the couch and I'll feel bad if I wake her up and basically kick her out. Damnit....

Writer's Block: Banking on My Phone
elevenelevenxo
Do you use your bank's smartphone or cell phone app? Why or why not?

Only responding because it said it's sponsored by Chase.

No.

Fuck some Chase Bank. That's why not.

(no subject)
elevenelevenxo


i'm psyching myself out about coppertop farms. i keep thinking it's above my level. it's definitely out of my comfort zone, but that's not always a bad thing. in fact, stepping outside of that comfort zone is something i need to do more.

but aside from that, jamie said she can't really pay someone money right now, but would give me a stall or let me free lease one of her horses, or half lease the other if the first didn't work out. she said it costs her about $200/mo to take care of one horse. which is way higher than i estimated in taking care of missy, for example. i can't figure out what would cost that much.....

now i'm thinking maybe it's not a good direction to go. maybe i need to lay off the idea of owning or even leasing a horse right now and go back to focusing on lessons. my friend vicky has a good jumping instructor and said if i take lessons with her and her friend alyssa, it would only cost $35/hr. i could do that every week instead. then i'd have more time to focus on school.....i'd be saving more money for when i can get a horse of my own.....and i wouldn't feel so out of my element in going from a primarily pleasure horse environment to a little bit of a step up from that to small time hunters.

i'll admit, a big part of it is i simply don't want to wake up early tomorrow morning. i'm exhausted and i've been looking forward to this weekend and being able to sleep in. sunday jeff is coming up from cinci so i won't be able to sleep at all then.......................maybe what i really need is a break. my apartment is a wreck, i've been neglecting spending time with my dogs (and kiera's been acting accordingly.....been extra barky and neurotic...), obviously i've neglected school.... i wish it would all balance out, but it's not and something needs to give. maybe it's horses, at least for a while.

thinking about having to handle that one gelding really freaks me out. the one that'll bite and strike out "playfully." i'm not in a position to handle a horse like that. absolutely not. i think that would ruin all the work i've done to overcome some of my confidence issues.

another thing to keep in mind is the fact that the farm is for sale. granted, in this economy, it's not going to be moving anytime soon, but still. what if i'm out there for a few months, i get my own horse, things are going well....and then someone comes in and buys it and i have to go elsewhere? what if i couldn't find a place to work in exchange for board and the only places that are affordable to me are full? not good.

i think i definitely would learn a lot at this place, but.....maybe now just isn't the right time. when the weather is bad it's not like i'll be able to call and say i won't be out - jamie lives in marysville and told me i'd usually be out there by myself working (another fact that makes me scared about handling that gelding).

and finally, i really enjoyed the social aspect of wilson hill. i liked meeting everyone and riding with other people, and it being so casual and laid back. this place, it's not as busy since there's only one boarder right now. and it IS a breeding/training facility, so i have a feeling things will be much more business like rather than casual. jamie was very nice, but there sure was a lot of mentioning about dollar signs and winter/summer homes and such.... so maybe it really just isn't the right place for me right now.

UGH. well, i better make up my mind within the next few minutes.....i'm thinking no. i'll shoot her an e-mail and just explain myself so i'm not a complete douche and a no-show tomorrow morning.

i'm probably blowing something here, but....yeah. i just have one of those gut feelings. a very nervous and anxious one....and it's not the normal pre-new barn butterflies that i tend to get when i ride in front of people for the first time. it's the very uncomfortable kind. :(

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elevenelevenxo
i can't do this.
everyone says it'll just take time and he'll come around.

but i don't know.

this is killing me.

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elevenelevenxo
so.....i've been riding a 17 year old grey 16hh thoroughbred named simon. he's a spitfire and FRESH as HELL due to inconsistent riding on his owner's part for the last several years....he's sound and doesn't even look like he's as old as he is. his owner actually offered him to me....for free....but unfortunately i'm just not in the position to have a horse right now. i can't afford monthly board and payments on a new car when i get one....and sadly the car takes priority.

but....i don't know how much longer i'll be riding him. he's a bit much for me....he's thrown me bucks and even a small rear the other day when she and her other horse, sean, cantered up behind us. i can handle him, but i don't think i'm confident enough to do it effectively and if anything, he's just making me more nervous. i don't want to end up afraid of riding and i have one of those gut feelings that it's an accident waiting to happen. as of right now, there's only pasture to work in.....she's building an arena but it won't be finished until july or august. there's no round pen....no real safe area to work with him. and she insists on riding with me. i think she really wants a riding buddy....but see, part of why he's a handful is he feeds off of sean who is a 12 year old OTTB....she says he's green, but she's had him since he came off the track at 7 years old. so far, based on how i've seen her interact with them and what she lets them get away with, i'm willing to bet he's just a spoiled shit who isn't green, but rather thinks he's the boss of her. he's bitten her twice that i've been out there...the first time she's like, "he's never done that before!!" but he did it again a couple days later....so i don't know. i'm going to ride simon a few more times and see how things progress. if it continues like it's been thus far, i'm going to just say thank you but i can't ride him. it's not good for me nor is it good for him.

i want to get some tattoos......i'm getting kiera's paw print on my wrist. and i want swallows on my chest. need to figure out what i want between them though. and i want the line, "i finally know now what i should've known then," (from "ruthless" by soco) somewhere...not sure where. i want a piece that goes down my back and ribs....either stars or willow leaves....yeah.... just gotta figure out the money thing. i have a ton in savings right now, but that's car money. hopefully i get what i was told the amount of damage was to my car....$1400....if so, i'll be using a good chunk of that for ink. plus then $600 from the gov't in may.....yeah.

i should donate eggs. hahahaha. seriously though, i've thought about it. you can get a lot of money for it......i just don't know if i want little spawn of me running around all over the country.... o_O

(no subject)
elevenelevenxo
ahhhh my lesson went so well. i did a lot better than i thought i was going to....granted, a lot of that had to do with the horse. jinxie - a totally adorable chestnut quarter horse. she's kinda small for a qh, but she moves really nicely and is SO responsive. and especially for someone like me, she's really smooth....normally she's a western pleasure horse, so she's got those really smooth slow gaits....which is good for me since i'm not used to posting and diagonals and a teensy tiny saddle lol. but her slow trot made posting kinda hard....i'll work on it.

i'm really happy though. the people i met were super nice, the barn's nice, they have an indoor, and the lessons are private and ONLY $20 for an hour. i felt like i learned more today than i did in all my previous lessons combined. so....awesome. yeah, it's a little further than i'd like to drive, but you win some and you lose some.

yay! i did walk/trot/canter, lunged her, did some balancing exercises.....i feel really good. it's so much nicer to walk away from a ride, whether it's a lesson or not, and feel satisfied with it all, rather than to walk away thinking, do i really want to do this again? maybe i'm just not cut out for riding. but yeah, i'm super happy and content right now.

now.....i need to pack some things for the next two days in marion.....and then away kiera, katie, and i go!
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elevenelevenxo
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